My human has issues.

You should see the way he caresses Nik ons dials, buttons and big glass eye. First with a soft velvet cloth, gliding it across that sleek stylish body, over the protrusions and deep into the crevasses.  Then with that tickler thing.  The one with the puffer at one end and long hairy bristles at the other , you know the one.  How good is that ……..

Then just when you think he’s finished he starts pulling out Nik ons inners and proceeds to give them the royal treatment.  Its embarrassing to watch.

Nik ons hat also gets a touch up, you know the big shinny thing with the glass front that startles everyone when it lights up.  And on it goes, everything in that black bag he carries on his back gets the royal treatment.

Alas my long slender legs don’t get the soft cloth, nor the tickler treatment. On the contrary, the gentle touch is not for me.  Wrenched apart my legs are twisted one way and then back again …..ouch! that hurts.

And then its into the cupboard.

When I’m not hanging around in that dark cavern I can often be found standing with one leg in freezing water and my other two stuck in mud.

I look forward to hooking up with Nik but gee it hurts when my human wrings my neck as he tightens the pan and tilt handle.  And I’m stuck rigid unable to move while he canoodles with Nik ons dials.

Oh if he only knew how I crave for a little more care and attention.

Instructions to my human:

  • To be stood on flat, dry ground, avoid harsh stones and freezing water.
  • Legs must be spread, carefully.
  • Each leg will be twisted slowly to gain height.  No chinese burns.
  • Pan handle, lock it gently.

One last word, I know you have been eyeing the new Man frotto but don’t get any ideas you know you can rely on my support.

All I ask for is a little TLC and ……..CLEAN THE MUD OFF MY BOOTS!!!!!!!